inadequate

Ever have those moments of inadequacy? Those instances in life where it doesn't matter that in your head you know you're not, but you just feel inadequate?

It doesn't matter that you aren't. In fact it doesn't matter that people are daily contradicting it, unknowing of course the fact that I am pushing the feelings aside, but feeling inadequate nonetheless.

It all began a week ago...I was having a discussion regarding God's love and sin and us being the sinner v. being the redeemed, and in speaking the term "inadequate" came up. It was such a good word description for the topic of when we sin, and the word sort of roamed around. Yet the word took root in such a mysterious way.

I look at my life and feel inadequate, not enough, insufficient... One part of me knows this to be true..me on my own (I know sorry for the poor English) is not enough, and maybe I do need that reminder; but these past few days have been different. For instance my younger brother cleaned the kitchen, and I was glad that he did and I therefore didn't have to. But it made me feel inadequate, you see the kitchen is my responsibility and I hadn't done it -- I had had a busy weekend, but it seemed as if was that very thing...I was inadequate.

At work on Monday I was showing the mum the writing my three old had done, and yes it is very good, and the mum thanked me and told me I should be proud because it is of my work with the little girl, etc and again rather than accept the compliment and take it for what it was, an acknowledgement and appreciation of my work, I took it and twisted it and allowed it to register in my mind as a feeling of inadequacy.

Then despite the fact that by all appearances I am appreciated for what I am doing at church, I serve because I enjoy it, because for me it is a tangible way to love God, and to honor a commitment that the church is one body and I am a part of that. Now this is going to sound odd, but my involvement has been validated, but rather than accept the appreciation, it makes feel inadequate; because I don't think I do that much and so I feel as if I should do more to be able to accept the appreciation.

Logically I know that my feelings are completely unfounded, and what I am doing is allowing Satan a foothold in my life to pull me down.

Even writing this blog entry leaves me feeling inadequate, because I don't think it is very thought out, because I know others will read this and therefore read a struggle, because...